Do you remember the first time?

The title of this post has two meanings - the first time you realized you were a gay and your first gay experience.

The second is a lot easier to remember than the first, which I've been racking my brain trying to remember. I never really had girlfriends but I can remember a couple of girls being interested in me and it all being rather embarrassing. But that's pretty normal when you're 12 or 13.

The first time I can remember being oddly interested in a boy was when I would have been around 15. There was a new boy started at the school and I recall trying to catch glimpses of him around the place.

Then in sixth form when I would have been 17 I remember fancying one of my friends and trying to get close to him. I think that's when it would have first occurred to me that I was different.

At university I had crushes on *so* many guys but never had the confidence to do anything about it. I also developed a very close platonic friendship with another boy. He was very cool and I kind of worshipped him I think.

I left university still a virgin. Hell I'd never even kissed a boy (or girl for that matter). It's my one true regret that I wasn't more open at university and took advantage of the opportunities there.

Then I moved back home to live with my parents but of course being back at home in the countryside meant there was literally no chance of meeting gays or doing anything about my feelings (even if I'd dared).

My first gay experience was going to visit a friend who was doing some post graduate study. We were snuggled on the sofa watching TV and he put his hand down my T shirt and started stroking my chest. I remember getting hard but being too scared to do anything about it.

The next time we met some weeks or months later we weren't so shy :-) We were staying at a friend's and both sleeping on the living room floor. As soon as everyone had gone to bed we started fooling around. We got naked and it was my first gay kiss. I don't think we came. I can't remember why.

The first time I slept with another guy was after I'd moved to London. We'd met at a party and we were left in a room and started fooling around. At the end of the evening it was just kind of agreed that he would come back to mine. I don't remember it now but I must have been nervous as hell.

At mine we kissed some more and then jerked each other off. I think that was all we did. We became boyfriends and were together for about six months after that I think.

There's another first time that I can't remember - the first time I told anyone. I would tell my family much later, but the first must have been a friend. It might have been at university when I used to write long letters to a friend who was studying abroad. I definitely remember him asking and I think I would have responded. He was definitely gay so it was cool.

The first time I actually said it out loud I don't remember. It might have been to my no doubt rather started housemates the morning after I'd brought my first boy home!

Anyway, sorry this has been such a long post. It's been interesting remembering. Not all good - mostly wasted opportunities - but not all bad either. Things worked out OK in the end and it's our stories that make us who we are.

Feel free to share your story - I'd love to hear it.