It's stating the obvious but 10 years is a long while. We must be doing something right as it's mostly been pretty plain sailing. It's just that we never *intended* to be together this long; it just kind of happened. A year turned into two years turned into five and now it's a decade (fuck!).
I've said before that I've been wondering about getting hitched. It's scary. It's saying to someone, "I want us to spend the rest of our lives together." Not just muddling along and ending up together for another 10 years, but actually saying that's what we want to do.
I *think* that's what I want, but I just don't know. I know the grass is always greener, but I see a cute guy and wonder... I guess everyone's eyes wander. I think part of the problem is that I haven't been with enough guys (seriously, we're talking count 'em on the fingers of one hand. And have some spare). That's what I mean when I say we just drifted into this. I always thought I'd have time to do more but now I never will.
That kind of bothers me. I know some guys have a life partner and they agree to have casual affairs outside but I don't think I really want that. So is bf really going to be the only person I sleep with for the rest of my life?
If it sounds like I'm whining here, I *do* appreciate all the good stuff too about being in a long term relationship, especially cuddles and hugs on tap. This is just one of the things going round in my head.
Of course we don't have to do anything. We could stay just as we are. There isn't the same pressure as for str8s (though people do keep asking!). But I feel like we should to validate our relationship and mark that commitment from drifting to conscious decision. A couple of my hags said they were amazed by how different it felt being married, even after a long relationship.
Thanks for listening, and I'll keep you updated with decisions (or not).
Thoughts, especially from those in long term relationships or civil partnerships, very welcome.
PS What does one say anyway? Will you civil partner me? Doesn't sound very romantic.
Hi there, TFI
ReplyDeleteCongratulations! I think ten years together is definitely worth celebrating - it's a lot longer than many married couples manage these days. Vienna in January will be cold - probably below freezing most of the time. Have you been there before?
I can understand that the idea of a formal and official commitment can feel scary. But you're not trapped in it - if things don't work out, it is possible (albeit with some pain and effort) to bring it to an end. And the fact that the two of you have been together for ten years already must augur pretty well for the future.
There are some specific advantages to a legal commitment that you might want to bear in mind as well. As civil partners, you automatically get rights in respect of each other that are otherwise very difficult to establish, for example being considered as next of kin for things like medical decisions. I don't know how close you are to each other's family, but would you want his family excluding you from decisions of this sort, or vice versa?
As for what you say, I think "Will you marry me?" would do just fine. A friend of mine who formed a civil partnership (it's a horrible phrase!) happily and quite deliberately used "marry", "marriage" and "wedding" throughout the process. If recent news is anything to go by, our present government seems to be thinking of turning civil partnership into marriage anyway...
Other bloggers you might like to talk to about this, not least because they have actual experience in this area (unlike me!):
- green & purple of green ectomorph: married (to a man) in the US
- Micky of It's getting better: in a civil partnership
Take care
Mark
Thanks for the comment Mark. I know I *can* get a divorce but the whole point of it is that I don't want to do it if there's even a possibility it wouldn't work out. I want to be 100% sure first that it's the right thing to do.
ReplyDeleteThe medical thing certainly is an issue. My parents are totally cool but his mum isn't. It scares me that she could ban me from the hospital if she wanted. As I always say to the bf, I want to be the one to switch him off ;-)
Not been to Vienna but yes everyone is saying how cold it will be so definitely packing warm clothes!
Have a good weekend
Hi there, TFI
ReplyDeleteNothing in this world is risk-free, alas - there's always a possibility that a relationship will go wrong, quite possibly for reasons that neither partner can foresee at the start. A legal commitment is a sign that both partners are willing to do their best to overcome any problems that do occur. I'm not saying this to get at you - you're obviously less risk-averse than I am, because you're in a relationship already. It's lasted ten years, so you must have got used to working out issues between you - I can't think of a better basis to start a legal commitment from.
The position on next-of-kin for medical and other situations seems like a pretty good reason to commit as well - if there's any possibility that your bf's mother might try to throw a spanner in the works, in a hospital or elsewhere, then I think you want that legal protection.
Looking at it objectively, I can see quite a lot of reasons in favour of you and your bf committing, and none against. Of course, it's not an objective decision; it's probably one of the most subjective decisions in anyone's life.
I've been to Vienna before; if you'd like some suggestions for things to see, please feel free to drop me a line.
Take care
Mark